fatty and not funny guy

James - randomshitforkellytodelete says:
so after screaming at steflers mom about how awesome i am. the moment i hung up. no shit, literally seconds, this guy who was following me with his dog is like hey there, wheres downtown?

James - randomshitforkellytodelete says:
and im just like haha buddy, your going in the wrong fucking direction. this way is towards the airport, downtown is behind you. and he was like oh, so is there hookers down there? and i was like....wtf? so i was like yea, down victoria...well all over the place really. not to hard to spot one. and hes like oh yea, same with drugs? and i was like yea sure, cant be to hard to find drugs either.

James - randomshitforkellytodelete says:
then he asked about on this street and i was like tranquille? well i dont see very many hookers at all down here, maybe northshore and hes like oh, well thats cool. So here i am, walking home with this guy not from kamloops and im thinking get it over with and fucking skin me you prick. i get to my house and he continues to talk about hookers and how much they cost and im like buddy,

James - randomshitforkellytodelete says:
i dont know, probably just pay them 10 bucks and they will ride you, im going inside, have fun.

Kelly says:
as awsome as this is its not funny

Kelly says:
sorry



_

fatty and the funny guy

James - says:
You ARE a dabner... check fucking mate

Kelly says:
and you're a cunt

James - says:
thats not cool

James - says:
shouldnt use the C word

James - says:
COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHY PEOPLE HATE CUNT SO MUCH?

James - says:
if i call someone a cunt, they literally want to murder me, even if im joking

Kelly says:
HAHAH you were DABNER FOR HALLOWEEN HOW DO YOU BURN ME WITH THAT WHEN YOU ARE DABNER

Kelly says:
I love cunt

Kelly says:
I mean

Kelly says:
the WORD cunt

James - says:
it was a costume, im comfortable with my non dabnerness that i could dress up as him

Kelly says:
right sure

James - says:
i use it, but women want me dead when i use it

Kelly says:
weren't you saying something earlier about EXCUSES

James - says:
its not an excuse

James - says:
its the truth

Kelly says:
I don't get any rejections when I say it

Kelly says:
objections

Kelly says:
rather

James - says:
hmmm, maybe its just the losers i hang out

James - says:
with

Kelly says:
probably

Kelly says:
you hang out with some cunts

Kelly says:
mUAHHAHH

James - says:
I KNOW RIGHT?

Kelly says:
totally

Kelly says:
that's ok I hang out with some retards

Kelly says:
what am i talking about I AM a retard

James - says:
haha nah

Kelly says:
ok I CRIED on the steps of ONE SOUTH while wearing MISMATCHED SOCKS

James - says:
ok, your mismatched socks is like a kelly trade mark. Not retarded. You cried cause you just had to sit through a useless meeting and thought you were stranded at said place

Kelly says:
oh you are so funny

James - says:
i speak the truth and you know it

Kelly says:
you so naively think i'm sane

Kelly says:
its so sweeet

James - says:
your defenitally not insane. you may have issues or problems but im going to say not insane

Kelly says:
not yet anyway

James - says:
im confident you will not become insane. if you do, then who am i going to get drunk with and make invisible walls?

Kelly says:
me still

Kelly says:
i'll be the one not drunk and trying to bounce off said walls

Kelly says:
see, still tons of fun

James - says:
LOL

James - 574-6446 says:
you are the funny one

Kelly says:
i try

Kelly says:
i don't usually feel i succeed though

James - says:
haha you do

Kelly says:
ok good had me worried there

James - says:
i think we are good enough to have a comedy routine

Kelly says:
really

James - 574-6446 says:
werd. you know what our routine would be?

Kelly says:
fatty and the funny guy


_
ps i was crying because i thought i was stranded at said place in which i will end up in no time because i'm so far above and beyond these people i'm past the point of no return for these meetings to help


_

i feel imotional

i hurt my neck
really badly
i was showering
rinsing shampoo out of my hair
then all the sudden i couldn't move
so for two days all i ate was pain killers and muscle relaxers
and now i think i took too many because i'm having crazy stomach pains that make me think i have given myself an ulcer or something

my mommy is proud of me
i'm finally going to get crazy person help
i go to an info session this friday
then for 2 wednesdays there's a prerequisite relaxation group
then 8 sessions of the crazy person group therapy
they assured me i wouldn't have to be standing up and saying "hi my name is" kind of stuff
how fucking ironic is it that i'm attending a thing for anxiety that is causing me anxiety because i'm going to be surrounded with the one thing that causes me such huge anxiety
that made tons of sense

do i be super original for halloween and just wear devil horns and drag queen makeup or do i throw a trench coat, hat and fake moustache on and be a cross-dressing Sherlock?


_

street angel house devil

totally forgot i had these pictures
from camping like, months ago

Drinkin in the girls' room


We played cards in the shit machine stalls
whilst laughing drunkenly/maniacally at our cleverness/idiocracy , a woman walked in probably thinking something sinister was going on oh no sorry lady we're just you know, playing go fish
i have a video but that will never see the light of day
so to speak



_

poo

UGH
ok so i'm sitting at the computer here going about my business, belting out a laura marling tune and my sister does her creepy sneak into the house silently thing
i'm embarrassed all over again
when you're maybe intoxicated and break out in song and dance in front of company, that's one thing but when you're just givin'er by yourself and then someone walks in, you're not being fun and entertaining you're just left there looking/feeling like an epically retarded idiot

i swear to god if i feel my cheeks heat up with embarrassment once more this week, i'm going to shoot myself in the fucking face


_

i have never been so embarrassed in my life

Had some really deep arguments with my mom and sister yesterday. capitol punishment and boob jobs. i'm against both and sister is all for killing people and mom is all for plastic so they, of course, throw some big elaborate circumstances my way so as to make their points. my rebuttals were short and sweet like me minus the sweet. tax dollars or human rights, hmmm... sorry there's no justifying taking a human life. that ended that one. and no having breast cancer and mastectomy and then reconstruction is not the same as having some boobie insecurities. losing a part of your body is not equal to mosquito bite tits mmkay?
god i'm so deep

then being the rocket scientist genius that i am i got drunk and subsequently decided it would be a good great awsome idea to take a tab of ecstacy and just hang out and be cool all by myself. around 12 pm it kicks in just when i think its a lost cause and then i start texting jamie - warning him of the dangers of drunk dialing/emailing/texting and of course driving. he says since he doesn't drive he's got that one covered and that his next purchase is going to be a 10-15 grand car and at this point i don't even know what exactly was going on in my pickled little brain but i determined a 10-15 grand car was the name of a vehicle, told him i don't know what that is and something about car lingo i'm not up to date on blah blah kelly's a blonde bimbo basically. 30 minutes later i clue in. grand means thousand, kelly. as in DOLLARS not like pontiac grand prix kind of deal. I've been obsessing about is since. i've never felt so stupid/smart in my life and i say that with absolute conviction.
how can you tell i'm compensating for that fuck up with smrt people words?

good story kelly

moral of the story though - don't do drugs they make you do stupid things

i like it better when i'm not feeling sorry for myself


spicy pickled beans do not get along with my stomach and the best drunken midnight snack ever is camembert on crackers with a side of tap water and gravol

i found out my dad votes conservative.
EWW
good thing he's only my step or i might be ashamed telling you that

and here's a fun fact
i know 6 left handed people
all of which are dudes
and given that i don't socialize and all that jazz that's pretty impressive i think
right ok then


_

I liked it better when I was nutty and depressed and didn't know it because at least then I wasn't aware of how little attention people pay
you hide your drinking for 5 years and they all know then you did it in front of them and they're oblivious as to how much and how often
i don't get it
goodbye


_

draft autonotsaved

it has been a really weird week
or
2 weeks
why can't i remember
there is no reason for me to even be posting sorry i just woke up and i have a bit of a hangover grinding my teeth all night headache
i didn't even mean to get drunk last night
and certainly not with my mom
but sure enough a rum and coke a 710 ml bottle of ice cold corona and another rum and coke later we were blasted on the couch watching romeo must die and eating french fries
its been a weird week/coupleofweeks for her too
ma and pa got drunk and into a fight he was trying to leave she called the cops he got arrested blah blah now he isn't allowed to have any contact whatsoever with her due to the nature of the 911 call and well, him threatening heri wonder if i'm going to his court date on the 29th
jamie sorry i haven't responded to your facebook message
no i'm not mad at you stop being so paranoid
my high speed interwebs is either fucking me in the ass or its gone and i haven't been able to get into facebook because it takes too long to load and then tells me the connection time is out and my phone is out of minutes
i suppose i could have called you on a normal phone
wow i'm stupid i just thought about that
sorry
its been a weird week or two


_

where did the big word go

twas the night before i barfed up some weird looking black stuff

i ralphed for the first time today since father's day
a new hangover no-barfing record for me
6 beer a half mickey of rum a couple shots of moonshine and two mdma pills later
stacy and i go for a walk
iits about 10 pm a make it down a few streets and see a group of guys so we catch up to them to for some good ol' fashioned drunken stranger conversation
the only guy that spoke to us while we were walking was some guy named Ergenio Antonio Bananasomethingorother i'm so bad with names anyway it was a funny italian name
so we walk this guy talks and then we stop as they are going into a bar they tell us to come with them we don't have our purses so we say no they say go get them and come back we're like maybe so then this other tall blonde guy and guy in a green shirt start talking to us finally I have no idea what their names were but tall blondie said hi to me so i put my hand out to introduce myself and he waves it away and goes in for what i thought was going to be a hug so i was like uhm oh ok and dude FUCKING PICKS ME UP AND SQUEEZES ME
stacy said the look on my face was priceless

i mean honestly isn't picking a stranger up off the streets and squeezing them like you've known them forever a little... weird?
what was even weirder is he didn't do it to stacy
the cute tiny one
so i'm like yeah ok its not weird you picked up the whale
and in my drunk.high insecure mind i was like oh yeah he wants me
then green shirt guy says hello to us
funny stuff man we're walking with these guys in a group and none of them say a word until we stop like whoa drunkies learn how to multi task
green shirt guy sounds positively blasted as he is talking really slow and drunk like so we mention it and no turns out his brains were a little scrambled after being hit by a car anyway stacy wouldn't shut up about how cute she thought he was
all last night and all this morning she was like 'oh kelly that slow guy in the green shirt was so cute' i'm like yeah stacy don't you mean he's WONDERFUL
all night and all this morning she kept saying everything was wonderful
kelly feel this its wonderful

that roast was wonderful kelly
wonderful wonderful wonderful
it doesn't even sound like a word anymore
more mdma
more moonshine
we watch requiem for a dream
i forgot how fucking depressing that movie is
stacy zonks right out
i'm like my eyes are so tired they can't stay open any longer
my pupils were so huge i was like BLAM
lying in bed I was like fuck i can't sleep
didn't sleep a single second until almost 8 after i blew not so chunky chunks
uhm oh yeah i spent the whole night going from the bed to the cold tile floor to try and sleep because i would get too hot in the bed and then too cold on the floor and so on plus i was so restless and my heart was racing not a good scene anyway never have i been so comfortable and so content on a floor with nothing but a pillow and sweater that smelled fantastic by the way stacy has WONDERFUL smelling laundry detergent
stacy is also my best friend and such a good friend
i knew i was going to be sick this morning i just wasn't sure when so she was like oh kelly do you want me to get you a bowl? yes please. do you need anything else? some water? do you have ginger ale? no. juice? yeah i'll go make you some
so she made me some yummy juice which was yummy and hydrating
there is more that happened but my brain just won't let me recall it at this current time
sorry about my nonsensical rambling but it was a stupendous night and i had to share it
pictures are from a totally different night
and i woke up with bruises all over my legs
we ended up on the floor much of the night
i think that was how they got there


_

dear nobody

i was supposed to help stacy move tonight but she blew me off
how the fuck does that work
you offer your time and effort to help a person move and then shower and put makeup on and you get shafted
i want corona so bad i can taste it
what the hell is with all the people messaging me on nex tonight

Hey there,are you bored?
Are you tired and sick of all the perverted old men messaging you all the time?
Are you looking for someone new and interesting to talk to?

If you answered yes to all these questions,then you should message me back!
Don't delay,do it today!

I replied with a snarky
"I highly doubt that you're interesting"



i need to make a doctors appointment
i'm scared to do even that
somebody build me a fucking time machine already
fuck

they all come home sooner or later
sooner or later they all come home

he keeps saying like it actually counts for something
i don't have the heart to tell him it doesn't
i have too much heart to tell him it doesn't
mid october

and i'll be gone

he'll delude himself into thinking i'll come back
i don't have the heart to tell him he won't see me again
i have too much heart to tell him he won't see me again

i'm hungry i don't want to eat
i want to drink i don't want to get drunk
i don't want to be alone i don't want to be around anyone
my hands are cold and won't stop shaking
ughhhhhh

stop being so dramatic kelly
get a life.


_

virgin mobile

i have gone nowhere and done nothing with my life
i am behind on everything
everything
i'm a disappointment to my whole family
i'm also pretty sure they all hate me right now
i pissed them all off in a span of like, a week
i don't care
their heads are so far up their asses i can't care
i just want to fucking sleep
maybe be 12 years old again too
i painted a triptych and i actually like it
might even put it up my room
that i haven't been sleeping in
i had really bad nostalgia-deja vu for two days and it made me crazy miserable
so i drank and took ativan hoping i'd stop feeling for maybe 10 minutes or even better go to sleep
no instead i stayed up till 6am cleaning and being frantic about nothing
i know i said i'd stop being a fatty but today i don't care
i'm going to go eat a blueberry bagel and cream cheese
tootles


_

just a

quickie update
i have a migraine disorder
i got three sample packs of pills from the neurologist
eletripan
almotripan
and rizatripan
stacy and i showed each other our nipples last night
got some of the bad stuff
my neighbor this morning wouldn't shut up about her new bed on wheels i went outside to pick a green pepper and she's just yammering on and i'm hungover so i'm not doing a very good job feigning interest
made two huge racks of pork ribs
and painted
cheryl wants to buy a painting from me fucking weird right i mean you're my sister you can have it for free its just doodle crap anyway
the one i made for her i really want to keep though
vodka sucks
no wonder i stopped drinking it for 2 years


_

licker window

i did a funny thing last night where I mistaked a pre-mixed drink (consisting of 2 oz of whiskey) for the leftovers of a whiskey and iced tea I had been drinking for well over an hour
took a swig
mouth was like BAM on fire
Instantly spat that shit back into the cup then ran to the sink to gag and wash my mouth out
my mom was like what the fuck was that kelly
and i was like IT WAS FUCKING RYE
she's alll hahahahahahh ooops

James attracts crazies
no word of lie
they stalk him and ask him on dates and for cigarettes
they are also totally illegal for him
'cause they're all like 16 and he so is not
facebook=

Kelly Niel

Today at 6:16pm

wear a shirt
that says
"stay away
you fucking window lickers"

window licker is a horrible term and I am using it in correlation with the definition SPAZ not special children on the short bus with mental disabilities I'm not that crude horrible and heartless

if i could marry mini wheats i would
if i could live off nothing but mini wheats i would

up until now i was in an abnormally normal mood
fuck you it makes sense to me


_

i'm easy

I'm gnawing at my gum like its going out of style
it is starting to make my jaw hurt
rye and iced tea is gross
but i have no coke cola and booze is the only thing that numbs my headaches no lie i'm so serious i'm not just making up a reason to drink
pffft
like i need a reason
cheryl is out on a fancy dinner date at some point tonight
i know this because she showed me her expensive dress just for the occasion and wouldn't stop talking about it the past two weeks and she called me about 30 minutes ago to tell me she was getting nervous
only my sister would be nervous about going to dinner as she will be required to display proper dining etiquette and despite our model training and course on proper etiquette she still finds it impossible to behave as though she wasn't raised by a family of bovines
last night my mother and I agreed that neither of us know why people like me or her

i paint a rabbit twice and my sister thinks I have a bunny obsession
excuse me for being lazy and having no idea how to draw or paint
plus i don't like horses
bunnies are easy
I'M easy
good song


_

'cause you are gagging for it

i decided i'm not going to be a fatty anymore
that's all i'm going to say about it
i won't be like 'blah blah blah i did this and this and that today and i lost 3 pounds oh and last week i lost 5 go me'
'cause that shit is fucking irritating
although i did walk a lot yesterday

i stole a paintbrush from the dollar store yesterday
i don't even know why it was only a dollar like what the hell kelly?
they even sell painting canvases there did you know that?
i didn't either until yesterday when i bought 6

did i mention i'm going to be sherlock holmes for halloween
i thought for a second of being mia from pulp fiction not because i like the movie i haven't even seen the entire thing i just think it would be simple get a wig black pants check white shirt check and like her i like that song from urge overkill and coke
heather you're messed in the head and coming from me that is saying something
quit fucking with my friend
crazy bitch


_

well alright

Went to the drum/fire circle last night to surprise Darcy. Plus I was drunk which numbed the headache I've had for 4 days now. Awsome. The fuck heads moved it to the clap circle labyrinth thing somewhere betwixt the two parks and we said fuck those hypocrites then the damn bi-law showed up and everyone took off and I was like oh well isn't this fun good thing I only spent 15 minutes getting ready and not an hour like Cheryl. She did look pretty and girly but I gave her a hard time over it because I'm a mean fuck. Rumor is the circle moved because the hippie reefer smokers don't like the drinkers and other druggie burn outs. I called them pompous and I'm not sure why. OH OH OH and then we decided to go home and watch TV but we stopped at the liquor store to get more liquor and we ran into none other than Nich ( dip fuck I, yeah) and his bitch of a loser whore face Barbie reincarnate girlfriend and Cheryl's even bigger dip fuck ex boyfriend. and he was wearing a back pack and plaid shirt and I thought to myself oh yeah Riley you don't look AT ALL like a derelict dirt bag with AIDS. Good times. Nich's girlfriend Lee poked her head through the window as Cheryl introduced us and she was like "so you're the infamous Kelly" my first thought was WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT TO ME that's seriously the third or so time someone has called me infamous and I don't know why. I don't even know these people I don't go out I'm getting off track. So I replied "I don't like the sounds of that" and she was like "oh don't worry I've heard nothing but good things" and I was thinking well were one of those good things about how a friend and I got drunk and not fucked but double teamed your TOOL of a boyfriend in my shower? I knew the second we drove away the shit-slinging they'd be doing so I did some of my own. Because I hate them :)
It was so funny before we left I mentioned something that if I didn't go tell Darcy I'm sorry and blah blah if he's there and Cheryl was like "Kelly, Darcy not being there is like a fly not being attracted to a pile of shit" I laughed. Not that Darcy is either a fly or a piece of shit.


_

dex

-


I've got nothing
or do I
have something

got season two of Dexter
Almost finished watching it
I find that murderous ginger nut bizzarly attractive
learned that Stacy is more hetero than I am for she likes man ass and I don't even remotely find any dude ass to be a turn on.
I remember after going at it my ex sat naked on my bed and asked for a towel as he wanted to take a quick shower since I just did anyway he walked out of the room still naked and as I watched him and his butt stroll past me I realized I didn't like dude ass
yeah cool story Hansel, am I right?
jesus fuck I just spilled coffee on the keyboard
fuck my life
and fuck all you assholes who make Stacy's life hell


yeah I was right the first time
I have nothing
I'll get it back I promise.


_

i need more

I bought the film Full Frontal today and I just watched it
I don't know it must be the alcohol but I just did not get it at all
No it IS the alcohol
I'll re-watch it tomorrow and be like AHHH OHHH I get it now
not
wait no let me re-phrase that
I can't decide if it actually has some artistic worth or if it is just some pretentious wannabe drivel Hollyweird crap
I'll just imdb some reviews on it then I'll have an opinion and an idea

don't you hate it when certain alcohols get your body drunker than your head? I like my head and body both being drunk because then you act stupid and look stupid but when your head is sober and your body is drunk you feel stupid because you can see yourself stumbling and knocking things over and you're really trying so hard not to but your brain and appendages just aren't collaborating like, they didn't get the memo

God I was dead set on having a normal post today
but as per usual it went to shit the second I started to drink
I'm drinking Pina Coladas and wine by the way
awsome combination
too much sugar
my head is going to hurt in the morning.


I spent half my money while shopping today
bought a really REALLY ugly sweater
I love it
it suits me perfectly
and some underwear
perfume
other minute stupid shit I don't remember
a Batman notebook
because the one I already had the dye used on the front cover was leaking through into all the pages
I don't even like Batman
he's a fraud
a poser
I have nothing left to say

===========================

James - says:
Jason has picture of me with a stolen solar lamp riding a horse and me with a huge hat

James - says:
i ended up trying to fight jason, josh and elliot at one point and i took of my pants cause i wanted to be faster

Kelly says:
HAHAHHAHAH

James - says:
yea, so i was jumping around swinging with boxers on and a hat

Kelly says:
wow

Kelly says:
you amaze me sometimes

James - says:
i wonder about myself sometimes



_

supa fly drink drank drunk

ok first of all why do these damn websites keep fucking "updating" I hate all your new shit so stop fucking changing AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME I think they're all conspiring against me

blackbird

I don't get what a black sun is but ok. I suppose I could Google it.

I love alcohol way too much I was not happy and I had a drink and another drink and now I feel weird too happy.

I suck at blogging.

I uhm
am going to go to the porn store soon
still haven't done that
jacked it today
because I'm a dude
apparently
toy


ryan you are a creepy fuck and don't come back

I think another creepy guy who was at Stacy's party was named Ryan. Every time I looked over at him he was staring at either my face or my tits. fuck your mom you weird old pervert

I need to do the dishes

and and and something else

I need something to do


sorry this post sucks people who read this
I'm drunk and alone and stupid and feeling crazy crazy supa fly


_

real butter

weak week

Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday I don't remember but it was Stacy's birthday party she had family over and she got us a piñata with matching Best Friend keys chain necklaces which is so juvenile its adult since we don't know how to use our words that's how we tell each other "love you man". We drank and drank and drank and did coke and coke and more coke. I lost track of how many drinks I had which I quite literally never do and I lost track of how many lines we did. I was drunk off my ass and coked out my mind I couldn't get my eyes to open wide enough and I kept thinking god why won't they just open a little wider that's all they need to do and I was all twitchy but I didn't get the drips probably because I was drinking one beer after the other and just wasn't able to register it. I think we went to bed at 4 AM Stacy passed right out and I lied there with my heart pounding in my ears for over two hours listening to music thinking about either something or nothing. How high I was didn't even freak me out which was beyond weird. I was super depressed that day and the three before that before Stacy called me in the afternoon I was sitting at my kitchen table and lost it and started crying uncontrollably. I went to the mall a few days later and I really really REALLY fucking hate that place. The only thing I bought was an iced espresso. Saw The Dark Knight. Was too pathetic to really pay attention which I think bummed James out because he really liked it and the whole time all I could think was how DID the Joker get his scars and Maggie Gyllenwhatever is just as if not more boring than Katie Holmes.

Oh at Stacy's party her little surrogate brothers loved me. One had to go to bed early because he was being a shit and his mom wasn't having it. The youngest one I think he was 4 or 5? anyway he just loved me for some reason because kids hate me because they somehow intuitively know I hate them but I was drunk ergo I was nice and happy and it was so sweet he kept picking flowers and bringing them to me. Stacy and her fake mom Deidre kept telling me all night how pretty they thought I was but I saw through it, they were patronizing me because I'm so transparent they could tell how much I hated life and myself that day plus I stuck out like a sore thumb with my whiter than white skin and dark red lips and the rest of my slob body. It was rad. I really like them all.

I crapped like 6 times yesterday and stayed up most of the night watching TV on my sister's memory foam bed and chasing her stupid horrible cats all over the basement.

a haiku for Darcy:

Darcy you rock ass
My Haiku skills are such shit
Ice cream and big balls

_

so she's like BLAh and then I'm like TA-DAH

This is what Nexopia forum "stats" shit looks like and I only post on one forum with pretty well only one person I know in it and you know him too his name is James but he knows the people who post in it well some of them anyway. I digress, everyone in the forum hates me except James and I know they do even if they don't say it but they ignore me and well probably because I only ever talk random bullshit about myself stuff like this:
oh and I forgot how to be grammar police lately but you don't care because when I type and spell better than you you just think I'm a pretentious topper anyway



kelly.R.cool
Addict
- Online -


Age 45, Female
Posts: 4,168

________________________________
- read my blog :
http://theycallmekelly.blogspot.com



==============================================

WHY IS MY COMPUTER BEEPING AT ME

james is gon be rick astley for halloween

i spilled jager and coke on my keyboard and now the l and m keys stick like shit on shoes

Quote:

---

Originally posted by: Wafflesrule
The Dark Knight, it was amazing.

I want to see it again

---

we go see it soon
when we can get a person with an automobile because buses are butt fuck

how do you guys turn a thread about a stripper into a goober hetero love fest ungh
(they were going on about ohh boohoo I misses you BLAH BLAH BLAH WHINE WHINE WHINE actually they weren't whining they each said I miss you and it made me bitchy)


_

i over estimate you people

Guess who drank a lot last night?

Guess who woke up and drank today?

Guess who has had the equivalent of 7 cups of coffee in the last 3 hours?

Guess who forgot how to answer a phone this morning?
I really seriously forgot how to answer a telephone. I got up out of bed at 9 when it rang and I stared at it with drowsy eyes and wondered what I was going to say when I picked it up. The best I could come up with was, "Uhm... yea- hi." No question mark. Thank God it was just my mom and not someone important.

Guess who watched Red Dragon and giggled at herself when the symbol for the red dragon was shown because she used to be obsessed with it when she was a kid?

Guess who had hilarious fake cyber sex with a seriously surprising person while James sat by her side?

Guess who has no shame and sent real nudies to said fake cyber sex surprise person?

Guess who has a friend who is trying to set her up with a lame-o guy who is "nice with blue eyes and is a virgin and is into sex but will wait till I'm ready"?

I've been gagging at that last one all day.
I love my best friend.
You're a bigger drunk than me.
And that is quite the feat.

It kind of hurts my feelings that she thinks I need a guy and a guy who is a big wuss at that.
Well OK I don't know that he's a wuss but she thinks he wants a girl like me and I'm like what he wants a nut case? What's worse is she thinks setting me up with a "nice guy" is a good idea. Uhh man I think I've frightened and scared and corrupted enough people already. I'd break the poor guy. Crazy bitch bags like me and nice respectful dudes don't mix, mmkay?
But thanks for thinking of your old bubble popping friend Kelly.
after i said to her that 'haha oh he wants a loser face?' she was like aww kel no you're so amazing i see it in you everyday you just don't see it.
LUVZHUGZKISSEZ

S1 A1 B3
3 2 4
4 3 5
5 5 6
6 6 7
7 8
8 9
9

i know what that all means and you don't
go suck some ass


_

the magic of fairies and friends

Polly thanks you


Kelly says you should get really drunk this long weekend and make out with your best friend of the same sex in a pool in the middle of the night because that's what Kelly did last weekend.


substance
you need some
go find some
go to the park and look under some rocks
you'll find some
by the way
you're dumb

haha right

I have a note pad with little phrases and stupid shit on it and instead of sleeping last night I went through the whole thing and circled all the ones that said TAKE ME AWAY!

my head is sinking


Just dig a little deeper girls, you'll find the real him.


he's too touchy feel-y
it bugs me
i'm not a cuddly fucking teddy bear
even if I am squishy like one


cow uh bun guh

I want a rich person to die and leave me their money so I can not work and just stay in my house all day for the rest of the days. I had a nap today and felt like shit when I woke up and I drank a big glass of coffee with ice with a straw and scrubbed my window with a toothbrush. I showered and it was amazing and it made me think of a purple dildo. Me and Darcy are going to Dr. Love this weekend he's tagging along with me while I be a PERV. Actually he's taking me not the other way around. I ate chocolate ice cream with with extra chocolate it was way too chocolaty I couldn't finish it so I dumped it in the sink and poured hot water on it until it melted down the drain. I think the weather is making me sad. When we were at the hospital picking Cheryl up this morning I watched all the people and tried to guess who had a dying family member just by the looks on their faces. I'm so morbid. Then I put a really sad look on my face and acted like I had a dying family member just to see if anyone would give me a pity glance or nod or smile. Nada. Self absorbed people. Crazy me. I just asked Cheryl for one of her pain pills she got. They're not a narcotic but they have a funny name and I want to try one. She said no. No sleep for me again tonight. It is so cold outside. My feet are cold numb. I am wearing socks.


_

let pantene go

kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no kelly says no

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

KELLY KELLY KELLY

my sister is in the hospital has a clogged gland which spread infection to her lymph nodes so shes having surgery and shes really scared which i understand because being put out is like being dead for a while and its really scary waking up naked with your gown nicely tucked under where it wasnt when you were awake the first time






I draw i draw i draw i draw i draw i draw

no coffee today



let pantene out ok folks













_

dear: boy who broke my sad drunken heart

It happened well over a week ago but I'm still livid about it.
so,
Letter.


To whom it may concern,

You couldn't even apologize to my face - despite having the better part of a day to do it - so I don't really feel I owe you the decency of saying this to yours. First, I'm not angry because you were being a drunken insecure jerk on the one day that was supposed to be mine. I'm fucking miffed at what you said and what it implied. Just in case you don't remember, you nakedly confessed that you think you're better than every last person who was there. You then proceeded to denounce that I am, in fact, exactly like them. I think you know where I'm going with this.
Well I think it is high time you learned something. You are not superior to me. Nor are you superior to my sister or her friends, or acquaintances and strangers alike. Plain and simply. You are not better. In any way, shape, or form. All you are is luckier.
The second you laid your eyes on those people you judged their appearances and their words and, much to my utter disgust, their worth. When you first apologized I said it was OK because it hadn't really sunk in yet and I was still wanting to believe that my friend wasn't - couldn't be - that shallow. They are human beings for crying out loud. People you deemed not worth your precious time because of conflicting interests. They are human beings who know pain. Real pain. The kind that you can only know if you've experienced it. They know that pain is not some upper/middle class boy who can't get chicks. Pain is a child who cries herself to sleep night after night wondering why her Daddy doesn't love her, what she did wrong to make him not want her anymore. It is witnessing what addiction does to people, having your family torn apart, it is being neglected, beaten, used, abused - things you have never and will never know. Pain is the broken lives that stem from broken homes. You do not know their circumstances, you do not know their stories, and you clearly do not know what it is to feel as though the only way you're able to make it through one more day is to escape, be it via drugs or alcohol with those who's pain you have in common.
I should have seen it earlier. I am really quite embarrassed that I didn't clue in until you flat out confessed what you truly think of me. I am sorely tempted to return the favor, to tell you what I now think of you. Instead I will just say that my opinion of you has changed completely, and I will leave it at that.
I will put up with a lot of shit from the people I love but I am resolute when it comes to the line what is: being told I am lesser than for reasons in which I have no control over. I have no say in the hand I've been delt, just as everyone else in the world has no say. Yes, we have a say in how we deal with it, but when you know only one way to deal, that's the way you're going to deal.
It is not your fault you weren't brought up knowing more about the real world and the challenges people face. But it is your fault for being so damn ignorant about it.
Look down on me all you want, but at least I know what the fuck I am and that is an imperfect being.

So you can just take all your shallow judgments, stick 'em in the back pocket of your hundred dollar jeans, and skip with them all the way back to your beautifully sheltered life where they belong.


_

pow pow chicka chick

Last night was
fun
I drank my face off and almost lost my iPod several times then drank some more then on the way home I said some stupid drunken manic run-around-in-a-circle philosophical bullshit to Donald that made wicked sense but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. Then Cheryl decided on two Mozza burgers for 6 dollars. I of course had to pay and then I was so drunk I couldn't even taste it but not drunk enough to not remember to check for tomato. I cut my fingers on my left hand, two of them. The ring finger and the middle one that is used for verbal profanity. The ring one I sliced open with a razor blade while trying to get the cardboard cover back on it so as to block it from well, CUTTING YOU and the swear word finger I cut with scissors whilst cutting tape for the previously cut finger. Both cuts are right on the tips on the finger print part and the band-aids are a pain in the ass especially while typing. So what else can I tell you. Darcy and I both imagined hearing his name being called when we went for a walk to the park of an elementary school I once upon a time attended. Anyway so we're walking along and these kids in a yard on a trampoline say hi so we're like "HI" and then we both hear one say "hey Darcy" so we walk over and we're all who the fuck is that and there are a bunch of like, 14 year old boys chilling like villains and they're all "what the fuck is going on" and we're all "who the hell are you guys why did you call Darcy" I think we frightened them a little bit. So we walked away and I told them to stay in school.
I don't know what a shout out is but I'm giving one to Darcy because I think he's reading this and I want the pictures of us so people can see just how mega sweet we are.
And now I leave you with pictures of me in bed drunk off my ass last night.
And wow they all look the same.
One more thing. Lets all take a moment to admire the perfection what is my eyebrows. I'm not being jokey here, this is not my usual false arrogance schtick. They are truly terrific. The creme de la creme of my features. OK I'm done.


Later on in the program: Kelly starting some shit with a person


_

how's this for attention

Nature intended for you to be perfect - that's why they make organic makeup.


Self-loathing is selfish.


The plight of the pleasant peasant who ate pheasant.
His name was Perry.


Funny how the people who know you the best are the most oblivious as to who you really are.


Too much becomes not enough when you have nothing left.


Happiness is incorporated
Sadness is syndicated



© -blog

so for a few years now my lady friends and sister have asked/been asking me to dress them up and do their makeup and i still can't figure out why. no that's not true, i have amazing style i'm a fucking fashionista icon. i do the makeup "oh kelly i love it how did you do that you have to teach me i need that color blah blah!" i throw several items of clothing at them, they put it on look in the mirror and say "i'm dressed like you now". i wonder how that could be? can't possibly have ANYTHING to do with the fact you're wearing MY clothes and we have different styles eh. no that would just make too much sense. what is my point - if you don't want to look like me don't ask to wear my clothes. all your "... i look like you" 's can go to hell its not my fault you can't pull it off so don't act like i'm the one who is inadequate. there isn't fuck all wrong with how i look.


my dog got shit on by a bird this morning.


_

because you care and because I suck

What can I tell you?
Camembert and prosciutto on buttercrisps are amazing.
They are also why I look like a prize fucking heifer.
My barfday is tomorrow and I'm feeling sorry for myself because I have no friends.
Finally have an appointment with a neurologist about my headaches - something that should have been done since day-fucking-one.
I got so angry this morning I have no doubt in my mind I could have killed someone in 0.2 seconds had they crossed my path.
My internet broke and somehow fixed itself this morning.
My brain isn't working and I, evidently, forgot how to blog.


_

my restraint

So I still don't really know what is wrong with me - the reason I've been sleeping non-stop for 3 days and am so tired and weak I can hardly find the energy to chew my cereal, and the fact that I've had a headache for 5 days.
Went to the stupid walk-in doc.
He, to me, seems like a clueless fuck that is far too cheery and energetic to not be on coke.
So, as probably none of you know, I've battled with migraine headaches since I was ten years old.
Been to many doctors about them, even some specialists.
Had x-rays done on my noggin' .
The works.
Some said "oh we just don't know, live with them."
Eye doc said get glasses. So I did.
Family doc said go here, here, and here.
So I did.
One said it was stress related.
I'm like, "what the fuck kind of 10 year old is stressed, dude?"
But this new idiot today said my current problem is the headache which is caused by muscle tension, quite possibly, but not necessarily, from my pesky over-sized knockers.
I call BULLSHIT!
These doctors seem to forget that I started getting these headache when I was ten years old. 10. That is 5+5. Last time I checked, I hadn't even remotely hit puberty at 10 and I weighed like, 20 pounds so there go your stupid stress and tension theories, assholes.
But anyway, he put me on Naproxen which is an anti inflammatory used for chronic pain and explained my fatigue (God what a pompous dipshit) as a result of my body being unable to handle the constant tension and pain so its "breaking down".
I can't believe I'm even telling you guys this it just seems so utterly dim-witted to me.
Anyway.
I have to take the Naproxen 3 times a day with food for a while and then lower the dosage and if (read: WHEN) it doesn't work he'll take me off it and throw some new ridiculous theories in a hat to pick out and try.
Though I know it is just going to be a waste of time, its worth it because he gave me some good pain killers HAHA!

=================

In addition:

I'm officially toasted on my pain meds.


_

shit dumb dumb

So yesterday I literally slept - and I do mean literally - all day.
Got up a few times to let the dogs out to do their business as well as take care of my own.
Oh, speaking of business, I almost had an accidental business in my pants.
I was lying down in bed and thought I just had to fart but then my stomach burbled and I knew that if I let it go it was going to get messy so I went to the can and I was right.
And this is the last time I talk about poop on my blog I swear.
Then later on at about 6pm I got up to shower and when I got out and lied down on the couch Cheryl comes up and says she's going to go hang out with my good friend because I mean, that's not weird at all.
In my odd sleepy trance I was like uhh yeah that makes me feel totally insecure like, oh my God he doesn't want to be my friend anymore and he's going to replace me with my sister.
I'm over it now though.
Although my pathetic-ness over things like that never ceases to astound me.

So one time when I was a kid I was chasing something in my grandparents backyard and I wasn't looking where I was going and I ran mouth first into a picnic table and knocked a tooth out and I was crying and crying then everyone came to my rescue and I felt all loved.
I shoved a bead up my nose when I was a kid too. Cheryl made me do it. It got stuck and we had to go to the hospital to get it sucked out. I think I got a sucker "for being brave". Apparently when you're a kid you can get away with the absolute dumbest shit on this planet and still be told you're brave when you make your parents drag your ass to the emergency to waste everyone's time.
OK I'm going to go back to bed.


_

cranny moles

I woke up and drank coffee, flipped through the paper to find out that a fat guy in the city's council is a blogger and that at London Drugs you can get 2 cans of nuts for only 5 dollars.


An interesting night it was.
My sort of once upon time friend/school peer/once drunk make out person, Dan, called me at fucking 1 AM on the one night I'm actually sleeping and he's all drunk and what not telling me he's just down my street and wants me to come have a beer and talk and I'm like "NO! I'm fucking sleeping!" So he's just going on with his drunk babbling - something about how we "make plans" and then never actually do anything and the rest I couldn't understand so I just said no I'm not coming out to have a beer whilst I'm still half asleep and he kept on begging me. Drunk people don't know the meaning of 'no', did you know that? Oh and he did the one thing I hate most - he called once then called right back a second later. When someone doesn't answer the first time you call there is usually a reason like, I don't know, they're sleeping, not there, screening your calls. Plus I have an answering machine and call display so I know you called and if you're important enough I will call you back. The only reason I answered the second time is because usually when someone is that determined to get a hold of you at an hour like that there's something wrong.
Hour later - Cheryl comes stumbling into the house, the dogs bark and wake me up again and she lets two "totally smoking hot guys" who were "macking on her all night" in to pee so there's more noise for ya then they go and she bangs her way up the stairs to tell me that she's home because there is no way I would have figured it out on my own what with the two stranger dude's voices and slamming and dog barking and toilet flushing going on.
This morning after coffee and paper and before blog I went downstairs to say good morning and ask if she wanted some java and what do I see but a thousand dollar camera sitting on the dryer. She doesn't know how it got there. Being the fine detective that I am I came up with two possible explanations: she either stole it or the hot gay lovers left it there when they came in to urinate.
Either way I want it and next time the whole world is drunk drinking I want to participate.

oh and i completely forgot.
i had a dirty dirty sex dream sometime during the night
i was the only one in it
figure that out.


_

puppy shrub dog killer dream Kelly

I had a dream last night, well, this morning actually.
I didn't get to sleep till after 5 and it was light out by the time I drifted off muhahah then my cat raped my face all morning.
Anyway, the dream! Yes the dream.
So in my dream I was making out with Aidan while we walked along a really long highway that was all downhill and I think it was somewhere like L.A. because no highways around these here parts look like that.
And on this highway there were speeding cars and we walked super fast and all the walking was a piece of cake to us because it was a dream.
The strange part was all along the highway there were all these super cute super small puppies that followed you and sometimes ran away from you and peeked over bushes at you. Kind of like deer only they were puppies. Figure that one out.
So when I see this really tiny puppy jumping all around us after a good ol' snog against the asphalt where all the drivers saw us and honked I told him to pick the dog up and then 3 more came to us.
I picked up two of the three that were hovering our feet and he picked up one and we left the sad fluffy looking one that was hiding behind a shrub.
Then we made it down this never ending highway when it ended and took the dogs to a house party and let them go and he gave me his number and I got all needy and wrote my number on his double jointed arm with indelible ink so as to say OMG CALL ME PLEASE I PUT OUT.
Then I woke up and was really sad and angry with myself that I didn't grab every single puppy on that highway and take them to the S.P.C.A. I mean I was really upset. I couldn't believe I took three dogs and left the saddest looking one on the road to get smooshed.
(In real life I would never leave them behind. I'd get smooshed myself trying to save them.)
Oh, and I don't know anyone named Aidan but he was really short and had stupid long surfer hair that I hate.


_

scat in the cloverfield eating a bag in a force field shield

James and I wuv each other and since neither of us have lives we draw for each other.
Click to enlarge.

James drawring:
Mine drawring:
I'm clearly the more talented of the two - like I needed to tell you though right its kinda like, duh.


James - says:
LOL thats intense

Kelly says:
I'm talented, I know

Kelly says:
he has one leg

Kelly says:
and he is awsome

James - says:
He lost it fighting cloverfield

Kelly says:
ohhhhh

Kelly says:
I have no explanation for mine

James - says:
Yours is very randomly awesome

Kelly says:
I just drew what my brain thought


_

fortunately secure

shits and giggles

You know what's funny?
The shits.
Soup ass, McSquirts, The Splats, pick a name any name.
Its all the same and, though juvenile it may be, it is all fucking hilarious.
Or maybe I just think it is because I am a simple person and it doesn't take much to amuse me.
There isn't one person on this planet who is exempt from getting the shits.
Diarrhea unites us all.
The pains of the shits.
The sounds of the shits.
The inconvenience of the shits.
The all around embarrassing nature of the shits.
Brilliance in a bowl.
In movies or in real life.
To be honest though, there are cases of the runs that aren't that funny.
When your liver is coming out of your butt is a time its not funny.
I myself have had two instances like that.
The first was when I was about 10 years old and was at the Canada Games Pool with my friend and thought I was going to die in that handicapped toilet. Second time I was 16 and I had the McGurgle pains so bad I nearly passed out. That was scary I have to say.
And now, on to the funny shits.
Public toilets are fantastic when its not you.
My sister the other day had the craps. She was invited to go fishing but didn't want to go incase they came back while she was in the boat. So she then demonstrated how the conversation would go if they did. It was something like this, "Hey Tyler can you wait a minute I have to jump into the lake and take a shit, but it'll just be liquid so you won't even see it."
But the 'at home in the middle of the night when it is dead silent shits' are the best. You're doing your damndest to stifle the noises with little to no success and you end up waking the whole house which is just so humiliating all you can do is laugh and keep on shitting until you're done, and when you are you just creep your way back to bed and giggle your burning ring of fire back to sleep.

And no, I did not just have the shits.


_

straw

So I've held back from being the real total crazy sketch-bag that I really am because a few of the people that read this are friends and although I know they must know I'm not even remotely normal they never say anything to me about it and when I say "wow I'm really a loser psycho" they go, "aww no Kel, no you aren't."
My sister knows me and knows that I'm not OK and she knows that you know AND that I know. We all fucking know.
Yeah by they way, I can handle honesty and your bullshit is not helping me.
OK mmkay? Thanks dick fucks.
No longer will I hide my non-sane-ness from the "world".

I'm afraid of people and I have anxiety attacks when I'm in public and when I have to make phone calls - even simple ones like to Blockbuster to ask if they can put a movie on hold for me.

I brush my teeth in the shower.

Reality is not real to me.

I spend my days in my head in a make-believe life.

Being is simply too hard.

I am just about a perfect match for the diagnostic criteria of that of someone with Schizotypal personality disorder and Avoidant personality disorder.
As well as borderline personality disorder. The only thing there that doesn't match my personality is the intense interpersonal relationships and promiscuity. The relationships I have are pretty well all in my head and I'm too not social to fuck people.

v

I have a Red Bull and I don't know how or why.
Perhaps I willed it to be there.
that happens sometimes
Mind over matter.

my house is the Arctic.
A/C is working.
Common decency is not.

uncommon,
rather.


Scent fascinates me. The power of it. A reminder of a smell you knew from years ago can take you right back to a moment. The moment you experienced it. How it can follow you. You think its stalking you. It really is everywhere, in everything else you smell. Most powerful one for me. Coconut. A certain coconut lip gloss I wore for what was only a year but seems like a century. The days I fucked David. Seeing that man from my past I didn't know a mere day before his death. The other men I hardly knew. In my life at one point. Gone. The hotel room. Running up and down the stairs unable to stop. Through the halls. All I could do to keep myself out that damn bathtub. To keep it all at bay. The gift shop key chain I still have attached to my keys. Waking up in the middle of the night in that strange bed to sit in that strange shower to go back to bed and cry over a strange cause. Still have the lip gloss. One whiff and its all right there before my eyes. Come.


_

notes

We're trying something new today.
Sorry, I don't know why.



if illusions are magic delusions must be sorcery



entice:
dull

seduce:
dull

charm:
dull

inveigle:
dull



Conjuration
I can't dream

LOLLERSKATESINTERWEBWURLD

hai interweb wurld! i didnt sleep in 2day bummer. its so nice n kool outside only 20 insted of stoopid 30 that means not hott n da house. i jus gave da dogs treats n now they hovering round me cuz they think they deserve another silly poochies im so hungry i wonder when loris gon call i wish that lady wuld jus give me a time n day cuz i hate waitin round wundring wen she gonna call itz lame-O! i had a hard time gettin ta sleep last nite even tho i took 3 emtec and 4 regular tylenol i also watchd indiana jones raiders of the lost ark it wuz more decent then the last crusade im gonna go eat now my tummy is going RAWR

there's nothing so unusual about being a jewish cowboy

Kelly says:
wha6t kind of schnapps is it

James - says:
pepermint

Kelly says:
eww

Kelly says:
butterscotch all the way

Kelly says:
or rootbeer

James - says:
roooot bear

James - says:
beer

James - says:
fuuuuck

James - says:
root bear, im fucking cool

James - says:
shits kind of lame, im just going to drink it fast

Kelly says:
HAHhahahhaha you said root BEAR

James - says:
LOL

91%

I don't like it when cameras or phones or other things that take photos or videos are pointed at me.
Even when they're turned off.
I get nervous and have to turn it towards a wall.
That is all.

in accordance with the prophecy

First off, good morning and thanks to all who made beating James' ass into the ground possible.
I'm hoping he'll someday soon learn that I am victorious and always will be.
Now in other news, I managed to get some sleep last night and as a result I look like I've been on a month long bender.
Glassy blood shot eyes and all.
How that works I don't know.
And now,


Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


I've done number 11 before. It was good.